Mother Angelica once said,

“Family life is the backbone of mankind, and that life is dependent upon mutual giving, sharing, and receiving from each other. It entails the proper use of each other’s successes and failures for mutual up-building”.

Mother Angelica paints a beautiful picture with her words.  “Life is dependent upon mutual giving, sharing, and receiving from each other.” What about your family?  Some days your children share and play well and there is peace throughout your home.

And then there are  those days.  You know the ones  I’m talking about.  On those days, all your kids do is grumble, complain, bicker and fight.  She’s making noises.  He’s looking at me.  Why do we have to have peanut butter and jelly for lunch again? You know the drill and you want to scream.  Or run away and hide.   And you feel like a failure. All your kids do is fight and you can’t seem to make them stop.

As you well know,  not all days run like clockwork.  Sibling rivalry has been with us since the days of Cain and Abel and unfortunately it will be with us forever.  At times, my kids fought like cats and dogs just like yours do.  And I too got discouraged. And I am happy to report that my kids grew up to be the greatest of friends.

But as a mother of two adults, I’ve noticed a couple of things.  Your kids will bicker more when the following occurs:

• They are tired.  Make sure your kids get plenty of sleep.  Adjust bedtimes, limit caffeine and do everything within your power to get the kids to bed early.  Think about yourself, how many times have you gotten up on the wrong side of the bed because you stayed up too late?  Are your kids involved in too many activities and need more down time?  There’s a lot to be said for unstructured time where your kids can do whatever they feel like doing.
• They are hungry. Or worse, HANGRY.  There again, think about yourself.  When you’re hungry, things tend to bother you more than when you aren’t.  Some people get grouchy when their blood sugar drops.  Make sure your kids get enough healthy snacks in between meals.  And if they eat healthy snacks, it’s ok for them to eat a light supper.
• They are bored.  As you know, kids have short attention spans and sometimes they pick on their sibling because their mind wanders and they have nothing better to do.  If that is the case, keep them busy.  Encourage them to come up with inventive, productive ways to use their minds.  I always thought it was my job to keep my kids busy, but you know what, it wasn’t.  It was theirs.  All I had to do was to provide suggestions.  And brave mama, all you have to do is provide suggestions.  You are not the fun magician.  You are the mom! Remember that  if they can’t find something productive to do, there is always a chore that can keep them busy.

But what about those time when your kids are rested, well fed and have plenty to do and they  still fight. If that’s the case, here are some things to remember:

1. Try not to show favorites and don’t compare your children.  We as parents don’t do this on purpose, but sometimes it happens anyway.  Refrain from saying such things as, “Why can’t you keep your room clean like _________?”  OR  “______________ has all A’s and B’s and you barely have C’s”.  Remarks like that cause resentment between your children.
2. Being fair and equal are not the same.  Different children have individual needs.  If Johnny has outgrown his shoes and Mary hasn’t, buy shoes for Johnny and wait to buy  Mary’s shoes when she needs them.  Older children should have more privileges than their younger siblings and at the same time, they should have more responsibilities.  It’s a trade off.  A heard a sermon where the pastor said, “Life is not fair, but God is good.”  Every time my kids started telling me about something they thought was  not fair, I always answered, “Life is not fair, but God is good,” and that usually ended the bickering.
3. Listen to what your child says. His words are important.  Don’t dismiss a child’s anger or resentment toward their sibling.  We all feel anger and resentment.  Let them know that it is ok to get angry at their sibling, but it is not ok to hold on to the anger.  Teach your child to express his/her feelings to their sibling.  A friend of mine has two girls, one in pre-school and the other in 3rd grade.  The 3rd grader had left her lunch box at school and mom let her borrow her little sister’s lunchbox.  Needless to say the pre-schooler did not want her sister to borrow her lunchbox.  Instead of fussing at her little one and making her feel bad about not wanting to share with her sister, she let her wear her big sister’s pajamas and spent some time snuggling on the sofa.  Smart mama, her daughter still had to share and her feelings were acknowledged.
4. Keep teasing to a minimum in your home.  The world is cruel and your children are bombarded with negative words all day long.  I know that practical jokes can be fun and mild teasing is ok.  Try to watch your child when his siblings tease him and if it seems to bother him, make his siblings stop.   Remember that teasing a child about their looks, intelligence or athletic ability can affect self esteem.  Home should be a place of refuge and comfort.
5. Whenever possible, let your children handle their own disagreements.  Teach your children to talk it out and to apologize to their sibling.  In the vast amount of arguments, both children did something wrong and there is enough blame to go around.  I always made my kids hug it out and they hated that. My kids used to fight incessantly about what TV show they wanted to watch.  When they couldn’t agree, I made them watch the real estate channel where there was a constant loop of houses for sale and nothing else.  That made them agree quickly.
6. Physical fighting should be stopped immediately and your children need to be separated to cool off.  I found that talking to your children separately once they cooled off helped.  In most cases, once the emotional energy dies down, you can help your children solve the issue.

As a parent, I noticed that things went a lot smoother if I took the offensive with my children.  By that, I mean that I always tried to do things to prevent bickering instead of waiting for things to happen (and they would).  Remember you are the parent, the adult, the smarter one and you do have the upper hand (even if you don’t feel like you do).

What about your family? How do you curb sibling rivalry?  Weigh in on the discussion.  I’m sure that you have some great ideas.

This blog post is a follow-up to a parenting resource that I wrote entitled 7 Scripture Prayers To Pray Over Your Homeschool.  To receive a copy, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the link.

Disclaimer:  If  the fights that your children are having are severe and frequent, you may want to consider counseling.  If this is the case, message me and I’ll pray for you.